Can I just say there are still people out there in this world who are amazing. Some days you wonder what is going on with our world. We don't watch the news anymore because it is so full of hate. Perfect strangers left comments on our blog and emailed us as well as our great friends that were so uplifting and helpful.
I remember being amazed while we were in Ukraine by the prayers I received for Tetyana the night before we took her out of the orphanage. Absolute perfect strangers sent me emails and comments that were so profound and touched me so deeply inside. And again, so many people took the time to write about their experiences with their bio children and adopted children and bonding. So many people poured their hearts out and left me feeling like I was not alone in this journey. I received so many comments from people say they were "lurkers" but really wanted to comment on what I was going through.
Last night while laying on the massage table it hit me that I have only known Tetyana for 2.5 months. And almost 1/2 of the time we have known her we were only able to visit her for 2 hours a day in an orphanage. Add to that we speak 2 different languages. Add to that we are all scared out of our wits about what is happening to all of us....I guess what I realized from that 80 minutes on the massage table and from all of the great support I have received on this blog is I need to cut myself some slack!
I am so hard on myself. I would really like to live in a Pottery Barn catalog where everything is so neat and pretty. Not real life, is it? So I am doing my best to "fake it until I make it".
Over the weekend Drew and I and then me by myself, had a chance to spend some time with Tetyana alone because Luke had other plans. I found myself so much more relaxed with her. I have decided a big part of my reluctance stems from not wanting to somehow let Luke down. Not wanting to hurt him. I have spent my entire motherhood making up to him what I think my parents lacked in raising me. I need to find the balance. One thing Drew told me was "this is your life, live it how you want".....I do try to live for others, to make them happy at whatever cost it is to me. I know this is not something I want Tetyana to grow up and do. Raising a girl is a whole other post....
Now that I have rambled on and on, I really wanted to say thank you to everyone for their posts, emails and phone calls! It is good to know I am not alone in this journey!
Monday, June 2, 2008
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4 comments:
First, gotta say I love the new family photo at the top of your blog! It's beautiful!
I'm so glad you had some time for yourself (massages are the best) and some relaxed time with Tetyana. You are doing an incredible job!
Thanks for all you've shared. It is so nice to have a bond with others who understand these new dynamics we're going through.
Great post! Funny how these kids have a way of sending us on our own healing journeys, isn't it? We found out really quickly that all the stuff we "thought" we'd dealt with all came right to the surface after we adopted our boys. I think we've learned more about ourselves in the last year than we have throughout the rest of our lives.
Keep writing! You'll find an amazing amount of healing in it. You'll find a tremendous amount of support as well.
Glad you are feeling better and felt some support. It is great to know that you are not alone. You are right, Tatyana has only been with you a minute second, really. You are an unbelievable Mom and your family is stronger for it.
-Shana
I love how you write about all of this. I just can't seem to put my feelings into words as well as you do. What great perspective you have. I hadn't thought about it like that before... you are sooo right - we have only known Sophiya for 4 months now & 1 month of that was in the orphanage & add to that the language barrier. Wow, it's so crazy to think about it like that. It's almost like, of course I'm not bonded yet, it's weird that Jason already has! (hehe) You are awesome, thank you soo much for sharing.
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