I have had a couple of comments and emails with some great suggestions and some very scary thoughts. It occurred to me after reading these that I needed to give some more background and have another conversation with T.
First let me describe the transition T has made into our family and into American life. I really can't even call it a transition. It has been so strangely easy. From her perspective it is like she has always been a part of our family we just happened to have picked her up when she was 7 in Ukraine. She has never had sad nights, meltdowns, or times that we thought she was ever unhappy. Everyone makes comments that she is always smiling and happy and seems to not have a care in the world. When we discuss her life in Ukraine she only has happy things to tell us about her family and her time in the orphanage. She had a grandmother whom she adored and lived close by. She lived with her bio family until she was at least 5 so I know her memories are pretty accurate. I have been waiting for this little girl to fall apart and she hasn't. It isn't because she hides her emotions either. She is very open with me about how she feels and sometimes goes a little overboard on the drama! It scares the crap out of me that if we don't resolve this issue it could turn into something bigger when she is older. How can I resolve the issue when I don't have any idea what it is??
If she had any fears it should be abandonment but she is fine. She seems completely attached to us and has never been overly friendly with strangers or even close friends.
We just took her to the doctor and he told us she was 50% for weight and 60% for height so she isn't too thin. I have an extremely high metabolism so I get needing to eat at regular intervals. I eat 3 meals a day, snack in between and usually eat dessert. If she has just had something to eat and someone else is eating she just stares at them like she is starved. It reminds me of a dog begging.
Last night we had a KFC picnic out in our new back yard and I asked Tetyana if she ever went to bed without meals or ever went hungry when she lived with her family. She said she didn't and that her grandmother often cooked for them. I asked her if there was ever a time that she didn't have any food in her house and she told me no. I asked her if she sometimes missed meals in the orphanage and she said no and if they wanted more they were allowed to have seconds. I asked her if she ever thought we may run out of food and she said no. So I don't believe that her food issue stems from ever going hungry.
Like Shari commented, maybe it is deficiency in her body. If that is what is driving the issue how long will it take for her body to feel whole? I make sure her diet is very balanced and supplement her with Instant Breakfast at at least 2 meals.
I just can't figure it out....
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Monday, May 25, 2009
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4 comments:
She sounds sooo much like Sophiya, I can hardly believe it. Sophiya is also happy almost all of the time, smiling and singing and making jokes. Her "transition," if you can even call it that, was so smooth, as if she had always been a member of our family. I honestly think that she is very happy and not hiding anything either. But then there is the food thing... Just like you described it, she can eat a full meal and then the instant she hears bowls rattling or the refridgerator opened she is right there asking for something to eat. I also need to eat a lot because I have a very high metabolism, so I'm snacking all the time, which makes things even harder when I know her stomach is full and she doesn't need any more. Is it my place to tell her when she's done? Or should I let her eat and eat, and hope that she will figure it out when her stomach hurts. I've actually done this before, giving her seconds when she asked, and she ate a rediculous amount of black beans and rice before she started crying because she couldn't finish and her stomach hurt. I don't think I can do that all of the time because she would be sick! I also make sure Sophiya has well balanced meals, so I'm not sure it's a lack of nutrients thing. I ask her if she got enough to eat in the orphanage and she always says yes, although she was 4 when we adopted her and 5 now, so I don't know how much she actually remembers... Will we ever know? Thanks for bringing this up, I'm very interested to see what others have to say.
Try taking her temperature 5x a day for 5 days. It is a simple thyroid/metabolic test. If shes running high, you may want to see a pediatric endroconoligist. Or even if she is running normal, an endo can run many blood tests to check her out. Best of luck!!!
If they are deprivation based issues, they will largely be unconcious and stem from stuff that happened (or started) most likely when she was really young (during her first 3 years) and won't be part of her conscious memory. It's also pretty well known that even though kids are "fed" daily in the internats, there is never enough quantity or variety for them to be adequately nourished. That can leave lasting subconscious effects as well.
Conscious memory is also a funny thing. It changes and shifts as time goes on, especially in kids. They are also really adept at making the world "make sense." And when they can't, or they don't have complete memories of the event, they will often fill in the gaps in the story with details that work for them...whether or not they are accurate. We all do this. Have you ever revisited a place or event you remember from your childhood only to find out the reality of it is nothing like how you remember it?
She probably does remember her grandmother cooking for her - my oldest remembers his birth mother doing the same. Not saying this is the case for your daughter, but it certainly is for my son, he remembers it because it was an unusual event, not because it happened 3 times a day. Unfortunately, my son also remembers having to scavage for food for both him and his baby brother and we know through our bio family search that he often went to the neighbor and begged for bread. He doesn't remember that part.
If you find that these issues can't be adequately addressed through a pediatrician or other medical professional, you've been home long enough now that I'd probably seek some input and advise from a psychologist or therapist and get to the bottom of them before they become a bigger problem down the road.
I am so glad you posted this! It sounds as if you are describing Ella Grace. She has the same reaction Sophiya has....I know there is no way she is hungry. I have taken her to the doctor who tells me it is most likely due to the lack of food in the orphanage. I don't think so. EG describes plenty of food and loving caregivers. I am confused also.
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