Help! Our son is having the worst time adjusting to a sibling. I knew this was going to happen and frankly, this is one of the reasons why we wanted another child but I am not sure what to do. He is miserable and Tetyana thinks he is always mad or crying. He wants to be with her constantly but then doesn’t want her around. He is so jealous it is making us crazy. We have tried to tell him what a great job he is doing teaching her English and learning Ukrainian. How wonderful he was to give so much to the orphans and share his things with his sister. We try to sing his praises all the time. We have tried to spend time with him alone
The weird part is, he was never selfish with his things or us before this. I always was so proud of him that he didn’t act like a spoiled, only child. I know all of our nerves are frayed and I hope that when we are home and he has his own room, things, friends and most importantly routine, things will be easier on him. Part of his biggest problem is he needs to be the center of attention.
We are seriously contemplating me taking him home on Sunday and having Drew stay here and finish up, if the miracle (getting the passport and visa) we need tomorrow, doesn’t happen. Maybe this would give us time together alone before Tetyana comes home. We could get her room more ready and buy things like her clothing.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Our Family Photo's
9 comments:
Hi Michelle!
I know where you are coming from! Our son went thru the same thing (we only took one of our two boys with us to get their sister) He had a hard time near the end - it really does start to wear on EVERYONE - the process, the waiting, the "not having YOUR stuff - or YOUR space", and the dang- when can we go HOME attitude??! If you have the opportunity to head home early with him - it would not be a bad idea - in my mind - he needs to go home and be reassured of his position (#1 son!) And if he could help get things for her and lead the welcome party at the airport - it would be really memorable for him!
Good luck to you all!
Amy
Michelle,
You are right, it's going to happen. Right now it seems worse because she is so new. He has never had to comteplate what life might be like, realistically, to share you.
Our daughter, who is Luke's age had a hard time with Lee when he came home. Not in the first day or two, but once he came home and she saw how people flocked to meet him. Even with all of the explaining we did, she still felt a little annoyed that everyone thought he was so cool.(And such a novelty in the beginning)
Once he is home and able to see his own friends again and define his own part of life, he may feel less dependant on your attention.
I will be honest though, once you arrive home and he sees how many people drop of presents for Tetyana and how many people want to make her feel welcome, it will get to him. This is all part of siblinghood. Something gets a little magnified when it is an adopted child verses a newborn baby. Some people feel the desire to go above and beyond in there giving, almost as if she is a charity they are giving to.
We found that we received more offers for parties and gifts and drop by visits with our son after his adoption, then we did with our two biological daughters after birth combined!
These are all very sweet thoughts and actions from friends and family, but we were doing some major damage control with both of our girls after Lee came home. They began to ask me why people always great him first when they are in a group together and why people always want to know how "Lee" is doing.
Long reply, I know, but I will tell you that things get much better. Lee has been home 14 months today, and I don't think there are any amounts of unusual sibling rivarly in our house now. I'm glad you live near by. I have a lot of resources would be happy to share with you once you are home.
This too will pass!
I've so enjoyed following your journey. I'm hoping the visa process goes quickly!
Rhissa
I am no expert, but I can relate completely because we're dealing with the same with our bio daughter, Sarah, now that Leeza is home.
I do think that part of his challenges are due to the long trip and being away from his friends, his stuff, etc. Hopefully getting back home to that will help a lot. But you may be experiencing what we did about 2-3 days home. Sarah was VERY excited our first day or 2 home, but then had a really hard time the 3rd day. The reality of having a new sibling and sharing Mom and Dad's attention 100% of the time became a reality to her, and perhaps it is now for Luke.
We've tried to counter this by planning very specific things with her -- some with Leeza, some for Sarah only. I think the one-on-one time with either Mom or Dad helps.
I also had Sarah help me sort through toys and clothes to determine which things she wanted to give to Leeza because they didn't fit or she didn't play with them, and which she wanted to keep to herself. This may not be as much of an issue with a boy and girl.
Our pediatrician also suggested we be careful to not let Sarah lose her identity in all the change.
Everyone tells me it is normal sibling rivalry, but in both our families it has been thrust upon us versus gradually evolving. I'm sure your kids will work through it, but if they are like my 2, it may take a little while. And it may try your patience...I know it does mine!!!
Hang in there!
I am sure it is rough on him that at this point everything is about her! No matter how you slice it, you are there for one reason and he knows it!
I am sure it will improve greatly once you are all home. But don't forget, there will be a period of time there where his sister will still have the limelight! Be prepared!
In the end, it will all be for the best as you have said. My mom always said, "There's nothing like siblings to knock the rough edges off of you!" And it's true!
You are doing great!
Melissa E.
Our boys are three months apart. It took a while for C to adjust to the fact that T, our adopted son, was not the "little" brother he thought he could boss around. It will get better, took about 6 weeks once home. Dealing with cranky kids in a foreign place is difficult, no matter what the issue! We will pray for your adjustment and wisdom.
Oh Michelle I am so sorry to hear Luke is having a difficult time. Just keep in mind he is outside of his "normal" and has been for 4 weeks. It is going to be an adjustment for him to go from the only child to having a sibling. He may need a little one on one time with you and/or Drew. My bet is things will look better when you are home and functioning in your normal. I will keep you in my praryers! I hope all went well at the Embassy today. Hugs and Besos!
He has done amazing. What a strong boy to be away for so long from what he knows and what is familiar. It is hard on adults, it is even harder on the younger ones.
If it is convenient to arrive home ahead, I would definitely do it. It would give you a chance to catch up prior to T's arrival. The first day or two home is so overwhelming and takes a bit for your body and mind to adjust.
good luck
Michelle - I wish I had some wisdom. You guys are together constantly in close quarters. I bet things improve when everybody gets more alone time.
If a child is flying internationally with only one parent, you have to present a notarized statement from the other parent giving consent.
- Scott
Time. It's just going to take time. And consistency. And love. And patience.
Alek had a HUGE problem when we brought Anya home almost six years ago. He was HORRIBLY jealous. Now I can say they have a wonderful relationship. It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it probably took a good couple of years...but it did happen. Now, they play incredibly well together and have a pretty tight bond.
Give them...and yourself time. I'm sure you're right, being at home will help a BUNCH! But don't be surprised if some of this continues, even after you get home. Hang in there! It will get better! :)
Post a Comment