So before we left for Ukraine I read all about attaching. Printed off websites ideas for attachment parenting. In my mind I was trying to figure out how to get our daughter to attach to us. It never entered my mind that I would be the one having a hard time attaching. I have been reluctant to post about this because when you have a baby or adopt you are supposed to be in parental bliss....we waited so long for this...we worked so hard....but the fact of the matter is I am having a hard time bonding with Tetyana.
It is constantly on my mind. I see what a sweet little girl she is. She follows me like a puppy and wants to see and do everything I am doing. She is so obedient and eager to please us. Sometimes I feel irritated followed quickly by guilt! I read a couple of articles in Adoption magazines but thought maybe "they" had a hard time attaching because their child was difficult. I never dreamed I would feel this way.
So the only thing I can think that may be causing this is loyalty. I am a very loyal person and always have been. I am a child of divorce. Not just one time but 5! I felt as a child that I would be betraying my mom if I liked the new girlfriend or step mom. Maybe I feel like I am betraying Luke. He and I are so close. I can see how hard it is for him (it has gotten so much better!) and although it isn't on purpose, she is the cause of his problems.
Thank God Drew is head over heals for her. He has absolutely adores her. After talking with my girlfriend about this I think I am convinced that mothers bond easier with boys and fathers with girls. When Luke was born, I remember being frustrated that Drew didn't seem all that interested in him. We worked so hard for him and I just didn't get how he was feeling. I would love to hear from moms who have adopted boys and their bonding process and moms who have adopted girls. I know Luke is a mama's boy through and through. He is an extension of me.
I wanted a little girl so bad! I wanted all of the things that go along with it....shopping together for cute clothes, polishing our nails, talking about girly things...all of it! Maybe now I am afraid of sharing myself with her. I hate the way I feel.
On a very positive note, I do think that she feels like she can trust me and that I love her. Last week after I gave her a shower she talked for the first time about her life with her biological parents and what happened to her. I sat and listened and wanted to cry but I knew I had to be strong for her so she would feel safe. I did my best to assure her that there would never be violence in our home and that we would never leave her. She was ours and we would love her forever. I did find out that she is one of 5 siblings. She said all of the other children are "big". I wish I knew where they were and how "big" they are.
I will gladly listen to any advice on bonding from others who have felt this way. Thank you April http://funlovingfamily.blogspot.com/for posting on your blog about this....it has given me the courage to post how I am feeling.
Our Family Photo's
8 comments:
Michelle,
I'm guessing your feelings are not unusual at all. I can't say I have had the exact same feelings with Leeza, but I do know that the love I feel for her feels different then the love I feel for Sarah, at least at this point.
It is strange since we've wanted these beautiful children for so long and gone through such a crazy process to bring them home, but maybe that's part of the transition too. The dream we were chasing was perfect, and reality, while far better than a dream, certainly brings a lot of new and different dynamics to every family. Most are great, but getting used to them can take time.
Thanks for being so honest and if you hear of some great resources, please share them!!!
Oh Michelle - what a lucky little girl you have to have parents that love her SO MUCH! That's the important thing right now, isn't it? That she feels loved and accepted? I believe the bonding will come. Honestly, I think sometimes the more loss you have suffered in life, the harder it is to let go again.
Also, I think women tend to enjoy the "talking" part of a relationship the most, and with a language barrier, that part just takes longer to develop. When you finally are able to have true heart-to-heart conversations with her, I'm sure things will turn around. Hang in there.
Love and miss you guys!
Julie
ps - sorry about the dentist! Yikes! I still need to take Halle Grace...:(
We adopted 2 boys last summer and at times we still struggle with this very thing. Your feelings are totally normal. Rest assured that there is nothing wrong with you as a mother, nor is there anything wrong with your daughter!
I've decided that attachment isn't an event. It's a journey. It takes time and trust and also a whole lot of letting go. Most of us go into adoption with a fantasy of some sort about our children. Rarely do things ever turn out that way.
I'm sure you've heard over and over and over again that adoption comes from loss. Realize that children aren't the only ones who experience loss, either. I personally chose adoption because of infertility. Though we had one bio daugher whom we adore, we still knew there were more children waiting to join our family, yet my own body failed me. My heart yearned for them, my arms literally ached to hold them. And then, after 5 long years of playing the adoption game, it FINALLY happened!
And when it did, I realized these children whom God had carefully chosen for us were not what we expected at all. First of all, there was no girl! Second, one of the boys was not yet 3 at the time of adoption...MUCH younger than we had anticipated. Even though I knew without question these were the ones for us, my dreams of having another little girl were put on hold again...this time probably forever. And, my pick up and go life that I had grown so accustom to was also gone.
And then reality really set in. These were not adorable little orphans just sitting around and pining away for a new family and a new life as I had done for them. They were (and still are in many respects) terrified, angry, and very hurt children who have lived through more R and X rated movies than most adults have ever seen. Not only did someone else hurt my babies, but I now get to clean up the mess they left behind as well. That task has proven to be significantly harder and more expensive than I ever imagined it could be.
One last thing that I think contributes to these feelings of disconnect, at least for me, is simply that the dream came true. Now what? For me, I realized that for 13+ years, my life had been defined by infertility, adoption, and wanting children. Now that all that was all behind me, who was I?
The good news is that things have improved dramatically over the last 10 months. We're all healing together. The boys are learning to trust and we're all learning to love more deeply and more completely...and no, even on the really hard days, I still wouldn't trade my boys for anything.
You are welcome to stop by our blog and read about our journey. We've been blogging regularly since long before we left for Ukraine and also since our return home. The link is in my profile.
I agree with everything Diana says. However after a period of 6 months or so if you are still this blue about your relationship seek help.
Attachment therapy can be very beneficial to both parties. Maybe you can't attach to her because she can't attach to you and you don't see it yet. Any child that is happy all the time and wants to please sounds like a dream but it isn't.
Look it up on FRUA. there is an attachmetn section. Don't wait, we did, almost 4 years of a constant stuggle and like wondering if I liked this child.
Read.. Building the Bonds or highly recommend Beyond Consequences Logic and Control
Best of luck to you.
FRUA FRIEND, Newmom2 Lisa
I think that the previous commenter, Diana, has captured the process beautifully. She's certainly been at the 'adjustment' phase longer than we have.
I have had the feelings you are describing. It must be very common. When you are pregnant, you have that time beforehand to prepare and actually start to love your baby. With adoption, especially one from Ukraine, you have a short amount of time to get used to this child you are to adopt. You are in a foreign country dealing with all that goes along with it plus a child whom you don't know. You don't know anything about their personality really. You have to learn their likes and dislikes and deal with learned behavior, good and bad. You are essentially re-teaching them everything. Bringing children up from babies, they learn the rules a little at a time as needed. An adopted child has to learn your particular family rules in super speed mode. In our case, we weren't a full family until we returned home because our boys didn't go with us. We are so busy at first, and still are after six weeks, establishing boundaries and building a foundation that there isn't time to just 'attach' as if you had a helpless infant that is totally dependent on you. Your newly adopted child is dependent on you, but in a different way. They only know the rules of the orphanage, really the rules of the children of the orphanage. They are constantly testing boundaries at first. It can be emotionally exhausting. I was not used to having a clingy child around anymore. My youngest bio son is 16. When our daughter first started staying with us in Ukraine, she had to know where I was every second. I told my husband the only time I could relax was when she was asleep. And then her sleep was restless. She has just now, after being home six weeks, started to go to sleep easily and sleep more peacefully. Of course, you love your newly adopted child, but being truly attached takes time. Everyone in the family needs to know each other to fully bond and that just takes time. I have had to be even stricter on our adopted daughter than I would have on my bio kids. Give an inch, she takes a mile. Just when I relax and think I don't have to be on guard so much, she's testing again. Then, there are developmental issues going on. There is so much they need to catch up on. Parenting is hard work and parenting a child whom someone else has started with and more than likely laid a poor foundation, is even harder.
On the bright side, you are worrying about your supposed time line of attachment because you care and that's a very good start. Before you know it, she'll have slowly made her way into your heart:)
I am the cousin of two beautiful girls who came home from Ukraine two years ago - their parents' experience was somewhat similar to yours initially, but now, while the ordinary bumps of childhood are certainly still there at times, things are very normal and everyone is firmly attached.
Please do not be afraid to cry or to let your daughter see your compassionate tears for the tragedies in her past...this will bring both of you closer, if you explain that you wish you'd been her mother from the start but are so glad that you are her "forever mom" now.
There are searchers out there who can locate family information and family members - check recent posts on FRUA's forum for more information. It might help set your heart at rest to learn more about your daughter's siblings...and would be helpful for her as well.
Blessings and good luck to you and your family
Susan in KY
Michelle...
In many ways, I can relate with you! In 2001, we adopted 2 boys, then 1 and 3 from Ukraine. The "baby" is a total Mama's boy in every way. He and I are very attached and able to have alot of fun together. While he has his challenges, he is over-all the son that I always wanted. His older brother is not of the same personality, or same anything! He and I get along fine when things are good in HIS world, but when they are not - things are a disaster! We have had to do alot of attachment exercises with him, as well as years of counseling. Things will probably never be easy for him, and we do the best we can to make sure that he knows that he is loved unconditionally (whether he likes it or not!)
When we brought our daughter home in 2006, much different. She has attached/bonded/melted into our family as though she has always been here. I know that each child and each adoption is different... but the feelings you have are very common!
Give it some more time! You have only been home a few months - there is still alot that she and you have to get used to about each other!
My thoughts are with you!
Amy
Having done three seperate adoptions I completely understand the bonding process. It really doesn't matter if they are girls or boys, it is like any journey. It is not about T but rather about adjusting to a family of four. Things change dynamics change. You as a person have to adjust and see things in a new perspective. There is nothing wrong with Post Adopt depression. Like any big event in your life, when it is over you look back and wonder what now?
Dont be too hard on yourself. I actually bonded to my daughter faster then my boys. One of my boys even though he was a baby took me months to bond too. It wasn't anything he did it was just me.
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